For Your Entertainment- Much Confusion
by Zephyr Bastet
Summary: R for being JtHM. Language, violence- you know. A strange person named Zephyr (my fancharacter) decides to de-squirrel Nny's home, and much stuff ensues. READ. REVIEW.
1. Demon Squirrel

One day, a chinchilla barfed up Nebraska.  
The End  
  
  
Aw, you came for the JtHM fic? Well, then, JtHM fic you shall have.  
  
Chapter One- Demon Squirrel  
  
When Johnny C. came home from wherever he had been at about five-thirty PM to find that his house had been mercilessly egged, he was, needless to say, supremely pissed off. To further his displeasure, he went around back to find the culprit, a jerk of about 18 who could commonly be seen stalking one of the neighborhood girls around, spray-painting hot pink profanity on the wall. We all know what happens next, yes? Good. Glad to hear it. So we'll skip the part where he slices the bastard's hands off, crams the paint into his ear, and removes several of the vital organs to replace them with eggs, yelling "How would you like being a house, huh?!! Or the person who lives in one disguised as a frying pan?! YOU MAKE ME SICK! Staining my house with your shitty bilge! EGGS ARE NOT FOR HOUSES! NEITHER IS PAINT!!! A WASTE OF MATERIAL!! What gives you the right to vandalize my home? YOU THINK THIS MAKES YOU LOOK COOL? Fuck, your hands are FILTHY!" only to jam said hands down the guy's throat [quite the hypocrite I am, yes?]. At about 12:30 [don't ask why it took so long, I think Johnny took his time wit dat one] the remains of the bad, bad person were hurled out the window. Coincidentally, at the same time a girl in her late teens could be seen hurrying down the sidewalk, slurping hopelessly at the very last of a RazLemon Torture Brainfreezy. The sound of the corpse smacking wetly against the wall of the neighboring house [insert terrified Squee-noise here] gained her attention, as well as the spatter of blood that landed, to her annoyance, on her sneaker. She walked slowly over the where the undoubtedly dead person lay, ignoring the "Keep off the loose dirt" notice posted out front. Upon closer inspection, she found the carcass to be that of Derek, who had been a member of the football team in school and had been following her around for the past few months. No matter how many times she had kicked him in the head, the asshole had never quit, once attempting to sexually assault her. This merited an angered punching from the girl, who then made a hasty escape via her car Well, he most certainly wasn't going to be harassing her anymore, that was for sure. She grinned, then sternly reprimanded herself for being so heartless. Better thank whoever did this, she thought briefly, then smacked her head lightly again. Eh, why not, she decided, and, shrugging, walked up to the house with boarded up windows, #777 (heaven? she wondered) from which the body had originated, and pressed the doorbell. This triggered unearthly moans from somewhere within the innards of the dilapidated building, causing the girl to raise her eyebrows and mutter "Oooo...spiffy." She heard from behind the door a barely audible "Who the hell..." preceding the shoving-open of said door by the owner of the house. She peered at his infuriated face, making out spiky blue hair [yes, Nny does have blue hair, dammit!] and a sickly yellow complexion. He seemed just ultimately spooky in some kind of inexplicable way, and he had really cool boots. She then noticed the outright venomous look he was sending in her direction.   
"It's the middle of the night, what the hell are you doing here? Who bare/b you?! I am ireally/i not in a good mood currently, so I suggest you leave immediately."  
"I know, none of your business, Zephyr, that's apparent, I would prefer not to just yet." she replied, ticking off the questions and utterances she had answered on her fingers. "Although I suppose..." she reevaluated, putting a hand to her hip, "that it is your business, as the discussion I had hoped to be involving myself in was to take place with you at the other end." She grinned widely, and eyed the room that was just visible over Nny's shoulder. Not heaven, she noted. Johnny was now staring at her, considerably disturbed by the presence of this girl who was, strangely enough, undaunted by his menacing person.   
"Well, then, answer me. Why exactly are you standing outside of my house at..." he checked his watch, "twelve forty-three in the morning?" Zephyr grinned and made big eyes at the body lying crumpled across the small yard [yum! blood!by the way, this is not a love fic! anyone who thought so, kindly get your head out of your ass! you know who you are!]. "Well, I would have thought it to be quite obvious to you, seeing as to the fact that recent events have been rather unpleasant and volatile, but I suppose not. May I come in?" Johnny was trying to decide whether to kill her or not when she asked this question, thus, his mind being preoccupied with a much more important uncertainty, he allowed her to step over the threshold. Zephyr immediately sat cross-legged on the floor and stared at him, waiting for him to sit as well. Nny did, cautiously, on the box near the wall. "Now will you tell me what in the name of Moose you're doing in my house?" "Let's leave moose out of this, shall we? Wait, what's the plural of moose? Is it moose, mooses, or meese? But you're right, I should elaborate as to why I'm sitting on your floor in the middle of the night. You have no idea as to who I am, yes?" Johnny searched his memory for a second. Her face looked slightly familiar, but not in the negative way that so many did these days. He couldn't recall ever talking to her, so he had probably just seen her walking aimlessly around, as so many people in this place did most of the time. Or perhaps she just had "one of those faces". She certainly didn't look very healthy, even though her skin tone was not by any means pale. Her hair was short, reaching almost to her shoulders, purple, and stuck out in odd directions. She was wearing these weird skinny oval glasses too. "No, I don't. But what does this have to do with-" "I suppose that doesn't matter. What matters is what you did tonight, or rather, last night, as it is now in the A.M. I saw the body of Derek Walker being expelled out the window before." Nny raised an inquisitive eyebrow, as if to say 'And your point is?' Zephyr looked moderately surprised that this revelation of her witness to this atrocious crime did not provoke a louder response from this individual, but she shrugged and continued. "Well, is there any particular reason for his needing to be so...dead? You seem to have put a lot of work into killing that idiot." "Did you see the house?" "Oh, he did that?" She didn't sound that terribly astonished by the fact. "That asshole. I really have to thank you for ridding the world of his person. So what's your name, anyway?" Before Nny could answer, a loud pounding and several angered squeaks issuing from the wall caught Zephyr's attention. "Holy shit, what the hell was that?!" "I don't know, that wall's been making strange noises lately." Zephyr stood and walked quickly and silently over to the wall in question. She rapped on it several times with her knuckles, then put an ear to it. As if on cue, the wall emitted several strange, squishy belching noises and a scrabbling rustle ensued, moving to the other side of the wall. "Just as I thought. Hm, can I borrow that knife?" Johnny, his common sense (or lack thereof) overcome by curiosity, handed a short, very sharp knife to Zephyr. "Don't worry," she assured him before thrusting the knife into the wall "I'll fix it later! Gimme more knives!" Not waiting for him to give them over, she snatched them out of his hand and created a small circle in the wall by sticking them in different spots. Enraged screechings and scraping vented from the area. Zephyr seized a jar full of pens off a nearby desk and, dumping the pens out of it, deftly smashed the center of the circle with it, creating a dented cracked area. She pulled off the plaster and plunged her hand into the wall. Nny, who was finding this all very interesting, watched as Zephyr dug around for a bit and pulled out a snarling, spitting mass of grey fur. "You got a cage or something?" she asked, holding the ferocious creature at arm's length. Nny snatched a shoebox out of the corner, cleared out the miscellaneous junk inside, and handed it to her. Zephyr then shoved the infuriated beast into the box and smacked on the lid. "Got it! D'you have some tape or something?" Johnny picked up a string and held it out. "What about this?" "Yeah, that's good." Neatly tying the string around the box, Zephyr smiled, stepping back. "There!" Nny, stared at the screeching box, then kicked it experimentally across the room. This caused it to fall silent for a second, then resume its snarling tantrum. "What the hell IS that?!" "Oh, that's the demon squirrel that was in your wall!" Zephyr became suddenly serious and stuck a pen through the side of the box. There was a chewing sound, then the distinct sound of a pen popping, followed by a squeak. She fell to the floor in a fit of giggles. "They fall for that EVERY TIME! Yeeheeheeheeheeheeheehee! Ahahahah! Hahah...heheheh..." She wiped away a tear of laughter. "Hah. You see, these little pieces of nonsensical poop nest in walls and make simply awful noises. So I catch 'em, bring them home, and feed them to my pets. There are always more of them, though..." She looked thoughtful for a second, then yanked the knives out of the wall and handed them to Nny, who stuck them in a drawer. Zephyr eyed the destroyed area of wall. "Umm....You've got Spackle, right? No wait, I think I got some..." She dug around in her backpack and pulled out a jar of stuff, spreading it over the wall with a large spoon after shoving the hunk of plaster back into the hole. "There we go! Urgh..." She looked at her watch. "One in the morning...I gotta go. Maybe I'll get some sleep, but I doubt it. I guess I'll just get a coffee and draw something for the rest of the night...good thing tomorrow's a Saturday. Wanna come? My treat!" She yanked a wallet out of her pocket and waved it around a bit, then jammed it back in, shoving her glasses up the bridge of her nose. She then noticed the questioning look Nny was giving her and clarified the situation. "Not a date, no way! I've never been comfortable with personal situations like that. Nuh-uh, no way, no how. I hate them. No, coffee...coffee has never symbolized anything near romance to me. I drink it for two reasons- The caffeine, and if it's got chocolate in it. I'll drink chocolate by the gallon. So you coming?" She made big puppy dog eyes up at him, and that was when Nny made the decision that if he could go through the night without killing her, he might consider putting up with her being...around. Or something. She was annoying, but seemed nice. Ah, what the hell. "Sure, I guess. Fuck, what have I gotten myself into..." "YAAY! YAAAAAAAAAAY! You're gonna love this one place, they've got this great stuff that passes off as coffee--" Zephyr grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him into the street, where she immediately turned and bolted to her car at the far end of the block, which she had been walking to when she passed his house. She hopped in, jammed the key into the ignition, and twisted it hard, bringing the engine roaring to life. The little Volkswagen sped back to where Johnny was standing, staring, wondering how this girl had ever gotten a licence. He shrugged, feeling tolerant, and got into the car. Before they embarked upon their quest for coffee, the mentally spotty driver of the small vehicle, eyes straight ahead, asked "So what's your name, anyway?" "Oh, uhh...Johnny, but you can call me Nny." "Okay then, Nny, I'd put my seatbelt on if I were you." She demonstrated with her own, dramatically, comparably to a fighter pilot. Zephyr turned, flashed Johnny one insane grin, and floored it. 


	2. Fist of Angry Chipmunk

Chapter Two- Fist of the Chipmunk [don't ask about the title...just don't ask.]  
As the little purple car roared down the quiet street, Zephyr reached down to where a stereo resided on the floor and flipped it on, sticking the plug to a pair of headphones into the jack. "Radio's broken" she notified, pointing to it. Johnny, however, was staring straight ahead, clutching the seat, for they were shooting down the road at about seventy-five miles an hour. He grabbed her wrist and shoved it back towards the wheel. "Both hands!" Zephyr stared, then shrugged and turned back to the road. She started bobbing her head to the music, then tapping her fingertips on the wheel, then mouthing the lyrics. Watching her mouth closely, Nny could make out "see", "been", "me", and "unforgiven". Curious, he unplugged the phones. A rock song filled the car, slow and surprisingly sad. "MetallicA" she clarified. "'Unforgiven', Black Album." Johnny nodded. "You listen to this a lot?" "Yeah, it's one of my favorites. Is it tolerable?" "Yeah, it's fine. Kind of depressing, though." "True." Zephyr grinned widely. "This is the first sane conversation I've had all month!" "Likewise." "Although I suppose it's not all that sane now, is it?" Nny rolled his eyes. "No, I guess not." Zephyr smiled apologetically. "Sorry...Oh, we're here!" The car came to a screeching halt in front of the strangest coffee place Johnny had ever seen. It appeared to be covered in...eggs? "That damned Derek got to this place before your house. I think he was going along the street picking places that looked like you might catch me in 'em. Although I have to say I don't know why he singled out your house, or why he chose it at all. Probably thought it looked "dorky" or some shit. Anyway... Now you step into the LAIR of CAFFEINE!" She shoved the door open and grinned, motioning for him to step inside. Nny sighed, shaking his head, then walked inside. It looked like a regular coffee shop, small, with booths and stools. Zephyr immediately slammed into the counter, knocking the air out of her lungs and promptly landing on her back, where she proceeded to flail madly, giving the impression that she'd broken something vital. Johnny watched from a distance, arms crossed and eyebrows pointedly raised. "Do I even have to say anything at this point?" Zephyr stood with dignity, brushing herself off lightly, then slammed a fist on the countertop, feigning frustration. "Friggin' counter." The coffee employee shot a glare in her direction and asked in a drawling, contemptuous voice "Are you gonna order, man?" She ambled calmly over to the cash register. "Yeah, can I get a large cappuccino with a lot of that frothy stuff that you never put enough of and ummm...sugar?" She licked her lips, then scowled at the dude. "And don't call me "man". I fail to see how you could have any difficulty determining my gender." She then turned to Johnny. "You?" "Uh...medium black coffee." Zephyr turned to the coffee slave. "You heard him. And if you get the order wrong, I shall scratch out both of your eyes!" "Whatever, man." He rolled his eyes, walking off to do the coffee stuffs. "Whacko." She made a face at him, then glanced at Nny and thumbed at the offender. "Did you hear that? He called me "man" again. Sheesh, he did it on purpose! This is stuff and nonsense! Rigmarole! Tomfoolery! Drivel! Idiocy! Blather! Twaddle! Piffle! Balderdash! Poppycock! Babble! Prattle! Double-talk! Gibberish! Moonshine! Blatherskite! Baloney! Hogwash! Tommyrot! Rubbish! Trash! POOP!!!" "Are you finished?" "Oh, um...yeah." The guy slammed the coffees down irritably and grumbled "Five twenty." "Woah, never noticed how freakin' expensive the coffee is here." "Yeah, well, cappuccino's four bucks." "Holy shit! Four bucks for a goddammed cappuccino? Man, from now on I'm sticking to the espressos." Zephyr dug into her pocket and pulled out a few bills and change. "Here." She grabbed the drinks and headed over to one of the small booths in the corner, where she immediately grabbed a handful of sugar packets and began dumping them into the coffee, humming as she did so. She began yammering as soon as Nny sat down. "So did you see the way that guy was staring at me? Like I was crazy or something. Which, I might add, I am not." Johnny looked up from his coffee, surprised. "Oh, you're not? Jeez, had me fooled there, didn't you?" He snickered. She pretended to be affronted by this. "Of course not! I'm not crazy, I'm insane! A crazy person is an insane person who's lost control over themselves. They act under the influence of something other than their own mind, and that's one of the worst things that can ever happen. I can't imagine being crazy. To serve another or nothing at all is a repulsive idea.  
  
"Insanity, however, is something completely different. An insane person will normally be aware of their mental instability, and often quite enjoys it, as is the case with myself. I try to commit myself to me, myself and I, as I feel this is the only way to truly enjoy myself. This is my goal, to make the best out of the short time I am allotted to live. Insanity allows me to experience a bit of turmoil and gives me quite the viewpoint, which I feel makes things all the more lovely. I do what I want, when I want, serving no one, and I let no one touch that. I like it that way."  
  
"Woah...um...okay..." "Now that THAT'S done-" she said, snatching up a coffee stirrer "I shall drink my coffee! Malicious minions of fooky infection, beware!" "Fooky infection?" "Yeah, why not?" She then commenced sucking noisily at the top layer of froth on her coffee. "Do you really have to do that?" "Yes!" "Fine, do you have to make so much noise while doing that?" "...No..." Zephyr wound her fingers together underneath her chin before starting to drink the actual cappuccino with as much zeal and racket. "I thought you said you didn't need to do that?" "I don't." "Then why are you still doing it?" Zephyr swallowed her coffee and began laughing. "Because I want to! It's fun, annoying to others, and inefficient, what more could you ask for?" She then blew hard into the straw, causing the coffee to bubble up over the side and onto the tabletop. "Can't argue with that logic. So what makes this café-ish place so special anyway?" "Quite honestly, they're not that popular at all. But they make pretty good coffee, and you can make as much noise as you want, nobody cares." "That's actually a good point." Zephyr gave him a startled look. "No fucking WAY." This caused them both to crack up for some reason. Zephyr plopped her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands, slurping away at her coffee. Suddenly, she sat straight up and stared past Nny, her glasses slipping downwards. "Huh?" He looked over his shoulder to see a pair of teenagers snickering quietly and pointing. The only word he could make out of their conversation was one that made his blood boil- "wacky". He felt a tap on his shoulder, turned around swiftly and snapped "What?!" Zephyr gave him a stern look, pressed a finger to her lips and proceeded to rip open numerous sugar packets and dump them into the remaining half of her coffee, mumbling under her breath "Just ignore them, Nny, they're not worth it." He made a strained noise in the back of his throat. "But they said--!" Zephyr held up a hand. "I heard -- I heard what they said." Johnny noticed that her other hand was clenched tightly around a sugar packet, which popped open after a few seconds, besprinkling the surface of the table with the fine powder. He cocked an eyebrow, then looked up to see that she was gritting her teeth and glaring daggers at the offenders. Nny smirked sadistically and did that little duck-puppety thing with his hands [you people all know what I'm talking about], saying "Just ignore them, they're not worth it, nyeh, nyeh" in a high, nasal, mocking voice. Zephyr took several deep, steady breaths, regained her composure, then smiled sweetly and flipped the other inhabitants of the café the universal sign of disrespect before returning to the burdensome chore of sugaratizing her coffee. "Aww, damn, s'not even hot anymore. Now it'll never melt. Gawd, I been standing all day. My back's killing me." Nny rolled his eyes. "Dare I ask WHAT it was you were doing that required you to stand soooooo very much and give you a painy in your backy?" Zephyr sent him a inexpressive stare. "Oooh, we ARE feeling sarcastic today, aren't we? If you must know, I was standing because I work at a bookstore and there was nothing to sit on." This triggered something in Nny's memory- ibookstore/i. His mind began remembering something, and then he quickly shoved it away. 'I don't want you now' he told it, but he could feel it insisting he did. "Shut up..." he muttered aloud, then glanced up at Zephyr. "Not you," he assured her. "Just...something I don't want now. What store is it, maybe I know it?" "Fishscale Novels." She grinned. "We cater to unusual tastes." Johnny laughed. "You sound like you're advertising for the place." She gave him an earnest look. "I am. They pay me extra." She put a finger to her chin. "You know," she remarked, "I have a friend that I think you'd like. I mean, like, like-like. I mean go-out-on-a-date-like. I mean-- I mean I mean!" Johnny held up a hand, amused. "I severely doubt it, and I'd thank you not to try to set me up on a date with anyone, puh-leez." "Okay, okay, fine" Zephyr grumpily agreed. In her voice, undetected by Nny, was the faintest touch of insincerity.   
  
"A couple of friends and I are taking a little [little...hahah] road trip this Sunday, wanna come?" Nny glanced at Zephyr, the coffees sloshing in the cupholders in response to her manic driving, and shrugged. "When will you be back?" "Who knows? A week, two weeks, three months..." Johnny snickered. "Awww, hell, why not?" "Great! You'll get along great with my friends, it'll be just LOVELY, mate!" Zephyr yelped, doing a great impression of a British accent. "We're taking this big ol' double-decker bus that my friend is borrowing from this old British dude in her apartment building. He said she could HAVE it if she just left him alone." She grinned widely. Johnny rolled his eyes as Zephyr pulled up halfway between house #777 and a medium-sized apartment building. "We live on the same block, ain't that special?" "Just peachy." "Well, I'll call you later when I get the information as to where we'll meet on Sunday. Ciao!" With that, Zephyr dashed off to the apartment house and through the door. Nny stared for a second before sighing and walking off to his house, shaking his head and muttering "This won't end well." 


	3. My Poor, Bleeding Nose

Chapter Three- My poor, bleeding nose.  
  
As soon as she walked through the door, the doofy smile dropped straight off Zephyr's face as she dragged herself toward the stairs. She tromped slowly up them and walked through door 22 on the third floor, to turn straight around and smack intentionally into a doorframe. She yelped and dropped to the floor, her nose prone to bleeding at the slightest provocation, and added some new bloodstains to the draggled carpet. For some reason, the young lady ENJOYED smacking into the walls and dyeing the carpet browny-red. Zephyr cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled into the floor "OWW! Oh, OWWW! My poor, bleeding, painful NOSE! OWW!" This evoked a copious amount of yelling and banging from the lower floors, mostly just people shouting "Shut UP!!!". She grinned in a self-satisfied way and clambered over to a desk, scrambling up onto the stool in front of it and arranging herself in a strange position atop it. With her knees touching her ears, she snatched up a pencil from the desk, flipped open to a fresh page in the notebook that lay on the desk, and began to write.  
  
'Oh Lovely Doomy Journal Thingamajig-  
  
I am quite pleased that I have agreed to go on this strange road trip-like-thing. I needed to get out more, anyway. I spend too much time in my apartment. You know, excitement, adventure, eating Chinese food that won't make me barf- all that shit. Anyway, today I made a new friend- (heehee, that sounds so juvenile)- Johnny. He says I can call him Nny. I need a nickname. Seems nice, smart, a little too antisocial for his own good. Not bad looking either, but he's not my type. I'm dragging his along on our little (hahah) trip. He seems less than thrilled. (Kills people.)  
  
Word for the wise- I am freak. Freak is good. Raar.'  
  
With that logged away, Zephyr slammed the book shut, overbalanced on the stool, and toppled onto the floor unceremoniously. She pulled herself to her feet and trudged off through a door in the four-room apartment. She flopped onto a bed and rolled over, slipping on a pair of headphones and turning on the portable CD player it was attached to. She fell asleep to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica. Aww. Like a baby.  
  
[Damn! was that ever a short one! Don't worry, devoted Nny fans (like me), the next chapter focuses entirely on our boy Johnny! Yay! I hope to have it uploaded very soon, so until then, eat food and read stuff! 'Ta!] 


End file.
